Michael Hayden Calling

 
PART 1

AT&T:
AT&T. Good morning.


NSA:
What's up. Fast Freddy. My gumba.


AT&T:
It's Fred, yes. Who is this?


NSA:
It's Jason. At the National Security Agency. How's your crotch?


AT&T:
It's fine. Can I help you with something Jason?


NSA:
We got this data you sent over, man. The 600 million phone
records? This is so tres excellent.


AT&T:
I'm glad you're enjoying it.


NSA:
The thing is I can't open the file. It blew out our server? You're
going to have to pay to replace this, man. So I was going to take it
home and look at it on my girlfriend's laptop?


AT&T:
Jason, I explained this already. You're not going to be able to fit that much data on a floppy.


NSA:
Yuh, but you said one floppy. My plan is to use two of them. Hello?

PART 2

AT&T:
AT&T. Good afternoon.


NSA:
Yo. Dude. Jason from the NSA. We're looking at these 600 million phone records you sent over? So like how do I find the terrorists?


AT&T:
I have no idea.


NSA:
So should I like look for a phone number that spells out 888 OSAMA?


AT&T:
Yes, that's exactly what you should do. That's just what I was going to suggest. Can you not call me anymore please?


NSA:
But if I want to find a phone number in this whole list, what do I do?


AT&T:
Jason, we went over this twice.


NSA:
Just one more time, dude, I swear to God.


AT&T:
Press Control-F and enter the number in the little box.


NSA:
I totally do not see Control-F.


AT&T:
The lower left corner of your keyboard…


NSA:
Oh man, I got chipotle sauce all over that part, I can't see a thing. Maybe if I turn on the lights in the office?

PART 3

AT&T:
AT&T. Good evening.


NSA:
Hey, it's the NSA. We got your list of phone records, man. This is so totally cool.


AT&T:
Please don't call me again.


NSA:
So dude. How do I use this to tell if my girlfriend is cheating on me?


AT&T:
Why would she not be cheating on you? Does she live with you?


NSA:
Yes. How did you know that? Every morning I wake up and she's like there.


AT&T:
That probably means you have the same phone number. Network your 500 servers together. Put all the phone calls on the same spreadsheet. Sort the numbers in order, then look for your phone number in the list and you'll be able to see what numbers she's calling.


NSA:
I could totally do that?


AT&T:
Someone else could do that, yes, but obviously not you.


NSA:
Isn't there like an easier way?


AT&T:
Yes, there is an easier way.


NSA:
Excellent, man. What do I do?


AT&T:
READ YOUR PHONE BILL!