Ninety-Nine Page to Hell

SENATOR:
General, it's an honor to have you here, and I want to thank you and your entire staff at Guantanamo Bay for your service to our country.


GENERAL:
You're most welcome, and thank you.


SENATOR:
Are the cameras on? Then what the hell are we.....General, it's an honor to have you here, and I want to thank your entire company at Guantanamo for your service to our country.


GENERAL:
You're most welcome.


SENATOR:
Now General, the subject of this hearing was to have been this unfortunate business about some of our officers allegedly throwing pages from the Muslim Koran down the toilet as part of some alleged campaign to intimidate your Muslim prisoners.


GENERAL:
Yes sir.


SENATOR:
But now, since that shameful rag of a magazine has recanted and retracted that entire bogus story, I can happily say that I knew all along you had never done any such thing. Therefore, I can dismiss you with the thanks of a grateful committee.


GENERAL:
Thank you, Senator. But unfortunately, a recent report of the International Red Cross revealed that during the period of 2002 to 2003, there were copies of the Holy Koran thrown down the toilet, and this has been confirmed in the testimony of a large number of detainees.


SENATOR:
Oh. So you're saying we have to do something about it?


GENERAL:
It's our duty.


SENATOR:
I see. Well, I don't exactly have any prepared questions in that regard, so perhaps we should.....


GENERAL:
I do have a prepared statement for the record.


SENATOR:
Yes, yes, absolutely. Proceed with your prepared statement.


GENERAL:
The U.S. Army did on a number of occasions flush the Holy Koran down the toilet.


SENATOR:
Yes. Continue.


GENERAL:
That's it. That's the entire statement.


SENATOR:
I see. Well, first of all, we want to make one thing clear. I am sure this was the action of only a small number of low-level enlisted men who were not acting on direct orders. I am sure they were strictly low-level flushers.


GENERAL:
No sir, not exactly. There were low-level flushers, but they were acting on the orders of several high-level flushers who did in fact order the flushing, and hence the flushing did take place on any number of occasions.


SENATOR:
There were higher-level flushers?


GENERAL:
Yes sir. Several captains and a colonel.


SENATOR:
I see. But of course they were acting as individuals, and there was no chain of command flushing.


GENERAL:
No sir, the flushing was all chain of command flushing.


SENATOR:
All chain flushing?


GENERAL:
Yes sir, it had to be coordinated by the chain of command, otherwise too many Korans would be flushed at the same time and the entire latrine system would be compromised.


SENATOR:
Well, I can understand how you had to take action to prevent that, and I'm sure I would have supported that.


GENERAL:
Yes sir.


SENATOR:
But I am equally sure that as soon as the Muslim chaplain found out about these incidents and brought them to the attention of your commanding officer, that officer put an end to this activity.


GENERAL:
No sir, he actually made up an excuse. He told the chaplain that they had hired a Muslim plumber, and that the Muslim plumber had directed them to flush the Koran down the toilet on the grounds that it would cleanse and purify the plumbing so that devout Muslims would be able to use the toilets in good conscience.


SENATOR:
And what did the Muslim chaplain do upon hearing this?


GENERAL:
He found a better job.


SENATOR:
I see. And when the International Red Cross discovered this, what did you say to them?


GENERAL:
We said that we felt we were actually promoting Islam because every time we flushed a Koran down the toilet, we had to buy new Korans to replace the old one, and so more Korans would be printed and the word of God would go forth.


SENATOR:
And when Muslims around the world began to protest our action on the grounds that the United States was showing disrespect for Islam, what action did you take?


GENERAL:
We immediately determined the number of Korans which had been flushed down the toilet.


SENATOR:
In order to ascertain the magnitude of the problem.


GENERAL:
Exactly.


SENATOR:
Good work. Once you knew the magnitude of the problem, you were in a position to contain it.


GENERAL:
Yes sir. We immediately obtained an equal number of Christian bibles and flushed them all down the toilet.


SENATOR:
Christian bibles?


GENERAL:
King James version.


SENATOR:
And you....


GENERAL:
Flushed them down the toilet.


SENATOR:
Because you felt that this would.....


GENERAL:
Settle the score.


SENATOR:
And has this strategy quelled the disturbances?


GENERAL:
No sir.


SENATOR:
And what do you plan to do next?


GENERAL:
We're exploring other options.


SENATOR:
And I am sure you'll come up with something. Because you men represent the best we have. And I'd like to say something else about this thing. When I was a boy growing up.....


GENERAL:
Excuse me, Senator. I've just received an emergency communication that is immediately relevant to our discussion.


SENATOR:
Yes, of course. High level communication. Top security. Highest level of security. We'll immediately dim the lights and start whispering.


GENERAL:
No, that really isn't necessary. It's public information. Hurricane Humberto has just slammed into the east coast of Cuba and we had to evacuate the entire Guantanamo Bay prison facility. All U.S. personnel have been safely air-lifted out of the area. But all the prison records have been destroyed.


SENATOR:
Good work. Excellent work. Not that it was good that the records were lost, but...you know what I mean.


GENERAL:
Yes sir.


SENATOR:
And the prisoners?


GENERAL:
They all escaped and have been granted temporary asylum by Cuba.


SENATOR:
Oh. But you'll be sending a battleship in to recapture them as soon as the storm blows over, right?


GENERAL:
Sending a battleship into Cuba? I don't think so.


SENATOR:
There were no provisions for dealing with a weather emergency like this? How could this happen?


GENERAL:
Sir, I can only tell you what the prisoners used to tell us.


SENATOR:
What was that.


GENERAL:
God is great.