Lunch with the Gosser

Dateline: Langley, VA.

DEPUTY:
I can’t let you leave your office, sir.

P.G.:
Why is that?

DEPUTY:
Code Taupe.

P.G.:
Code Taupe? We don’t have a Code Taupe. What is Code Taupe?

DEPUTY:
It’s a color, sir.

P.G.:
I know it’s a color.

DEPUTY:
Used a lot in weddings. I’m kind of a Burnt Sienna man myself, but you get these gals from California, they have minds of their own.

P.G.:
I don’t care about that. Why is there a Code Taupe?

DEPUTY:
It’s the lunchroom, sir.

P.G.:
What’s wrong with the lunchroom?

DEPUTY:
It’s no longer secure.

P.G.:
Why is it no longer secure?

DEPUTY:
There’s an unusually high amount of chatter.

P.G.:
In the lunchroom?

DEPUTY:
No, about the lunchroom. None of our agents are willing to go down there. I’m on Atkins myself, so it’s all the same to me, but these other agents are on life support, sir. They have to have their Chicken a la King.

P.G.:
Why is the lunchroom not secure? I want a full and complete report.

DEPUTY:
Efforting that now, sir.

P.G.:
What does that mean?

DEPUTY:
Reconnaissance still in process. Listening devices not functioning. God damn it to hell.

P.G.:
Just forget all that and tell me what you know.

DEPUTY:
The enemy is in control of the salad bar, sir.

P.G.:
The enemy? You mean the terrorists?

DEPUTY:
No sir. The Democrats.

P.G.:
The Democrats are eating at the salad bar?

DEPUTY:
They’re supplying the salad bar. Sprouts. Bok choi. Fennel. Organics. We never used to have that stuff.

P.G.:
What did you used to have?

DEPUTY:
You know, regular salad bar stuff. Lasagna, turkey legs, banana creme pie. Salad.

P.G.:
And you know it’s the Democrats.

DEPUTY:
Sir, with all due respect, who else could it be?

P.G.:
Did you talk to the food service people?

DEPUTY:
Interrogation is scheduled for next week.

P.G.:
Interrogation? Why didn’t you just ask them where they got the food?

DEPUTY:
Too obvious, sir. They’d just squirm out of it. They’d think they could just go home to their families and not have to deal with us. But we were not going to let that happen, sir. We had to bring them to a high-security venue and we brought them to a high-security venue.

P.G.:
You took them to.....

DEPUTY:
Yes sir. Guantanamo. By this time next week, we’ll have some serious answers.

P.G.:
So there’s nobody in the lunchroom. Nobody eating, nobody serving.

DEPUTY:
Affirmative.

P.G.:
What are you suggesting we do now?

DEPUTY:
Sir, we’ve taken the liberty of issuing an order on your behalf.

P.G.:
An order for what?

DEPUTY:
The Executive Pizza from Domino’s. (A knock at the door.)

DEPUTY:
This is it! Stand back!