No More Nukes

SKIPPY:
Good afternoon. On behalf of the United States of America, I want to reach out and extend to each and every one of you our heartfelt thanks for agreeing to join this United Nations Security Council Working Group on the Iranian nuclear threat, meeting here today on this great occasion.


LARS:
Skippy, there are only two other people in the room.


SKIPPY:
I’m being diplomatic, do you mind?


LARS:
I humbly apologize.


SKIPPY:
First you beat us up for taking action, and then when we get all wimpy and multilateral, you bitch about that too. Well who needs Europe, for Christ’s sake.


LARS:
I did not mean to be critical. I admire your belt buckle.


SKIPPY:
Excuse me?


LARS:
The buckle of your belt. I am sorry, I meant to say your S&M harness. Is that the proper word?


SKIPPY:
Just stop looking down at my pants like that, are we clear?


LARS:
May I suggest that we ask our colleague from the Republic of South Africa to chair the working group?


SKIPPY:
Sure, what’s the difference. Go ahead, Preston.


PRESTON:
I thank my colleagues for their vote of confidence. To what do you gentlemen attribute the total failure of your policy toward Iran’s nuclear development?


LARS:
Preston. I thought we were friends.


PRESTON:
Are you offended because I try to do my job?


LARS:
I think your comment was unnecessarily direct and lacked all sense of vagueness.


SKIPPY:
Now hold on, Lars, the fella has a point. Mistakes have been made in our relationship with Iran.


LARS:
Oh, but only by the Europeans, I suppose.


SKIPPY:
No sir, not at all. That old Jimmy Carter was an idiot, I’d be the first to tell you that.


PRESTON:
Mr. Carter has been out of office for 30 years. You are blaming him now?


SKIPPY:
It’s always a good time to blame him. You’re at a party and you don’t know what else to say, blame Jimmy Carter. That’s what we do back home.


LARS:
We absolutely must challenge the false and insidious statements being made by the Iranian government.


SKIPPY:
Absolutely.


PRESTON:
For example?


LARS:
Well, there are dozens of them. First of all, this statement of theirs that the U.N. nuclear inspectors were told they had to leave Iran because they didn’t pay their hotel bill? This is totally unacceptable.


PRESTON:
Did they pay their hotel bill?


SKIPPY:
That’s beside the point.


PRESTON:
I believe that one of their points is that Iran is not being respected as an independent nation with the right to determine its own destiny.


LARS:
Meaning what?


PRESTON:
Meaning they have a right to charge for mixed drinks. As your Milton Friedman says, there is no such thing as a free mini-bar.


SKIPPY:
I like that. Yes sir. Could I get that on a coffee mug?


PRESTON:
We believe the world community must demonstrate to Iran that it means no harm to the Iranian people and it respects their right to self-government.


SKIPPY:
Well who do they think they are? We’re not letting some bunch of towelheads....


LARS:
Please, please, please. This is no time for a cartoon. We must insist that Iran comply with European Union standards. First, they must promise not to bomb any of their neighbors before morning coffee and rolls have been served.


SKIPPY:
Let ‘em go ahead and bomb their neighbors. They’re all jackasses as far as we’re concerned.


PRESTON:
The Iranians maintain that their nuclear development is to provide energy and they have no interest in creating nuclear weapons.


LARS:
They shall have to prove that. We insist on it. They must prove that their scientists are too stupid to figure out how to make a bomb.


PRESTON:
And how would they do that?


SKIPPY:
Make ‘em take the SAT test. Every one of ‘em. I know that sounds harsh, but we have to take a stand here.


LARS:
Absolutely.


PRESTON:
What are you doing to change the minds of Iran’s leaders about your intentions?


SKIPPY:
Intentions? We don’t have any intentions. What are you talking about?


LARS:
What are you saying, Preston, that you support more nuclear proliferation?


PRESTON:
No, absolutely not. South Africa is the only nation on earth that has totally disarmed its nuclear capability. When the threat to our nation no longer existed, we disarmed. Which the United States and Europe has refused to do.


SKIPPY:
Hey, now where are you going with this, fella?


PRESTON:
Where is your plan for disarmament? Where is Europe’s? Where is Russia’s? Where is Israel’s? You expect other countries to refrain from nuclear development while you order new weapon systems. Your ally Pakistan sells nuclear technology to Iran while you look the other way?


SKIPPY:
That wasn’t our fault. We were busy. We had terrorists to overlook. I mean to find. We were busy finding terrorists. And also...I think there was something else. Yes! Finding weapons of mass destruction.


PRESTON:
You should try looking in Nebraska.


LARS:
Gentlemen, please. We need to devise sanctions. Otherwise, our words are empty.


SKIPPY:
Hey, I’m with you. But we can’t boycott their oil. That’s all we need is gas lines back home and old W is up a creek.


LARS:
I agree. We must be more strategic. All this enriched uranium is supposed to be for their nuclear power plants. But what good are generators if you have nothing to plug into them. Beginning next year, the European Union will refuse to sell a single toaster to the nation of Iran.


PRESTON:
You’ll refuse to sell toasters?


LARS:
Yes. For once, we must be firm.


PRESTON:
They don’t eat toast.


LARS:
Excuse me?


SKIPPY:
The fella said that Iran doesnn’t eat toast. And I’m not surprised, with all that round bread they use. What kind of a grilled cheese sandwich can they possibly come up with?


LARS:
Where is the list of their non-petroleum exports?


PRESTON:
Here, this is it.


LARS:
This is the whole list?


PRESTON:
That is everything.


LARS:
Then we must boycott everything.


SKIPPY:
The whole list?


LARS:
Yes. Absolutely. We must be firm. Beginning in the year 2007, we will no longer purchase from the nation of Iran a single one of their.....figs. Assuming neither one of you think we’re being unnecessarily punitive.