The Nuclear Option

TV GUY:
Billy Ray, I know this is so difficult for you, you've shown all kinds of courage these last few days, thank you for coming on to The Sports Abyss to tell your story.


BR:
My pleasure, Crash.


TV GUY:
So take us back a few years. How did you figure out the connection between your use of steroids and the Presidents policy to stop the dangerous spread of nuclear weapons?


BR:
Well Crash I just want to say that what I did was wrong, it was bad, it was crappy, and I apologize to Jesus Christ and to all baseball fans everywhere.


TV GUY:
Right, sure, but how did you establish that the people who were practically forcing you to use steroids were the same huckleberries that were selling bomb-grade nuclear material to Libya, Iran, North Korea, and a bunch of Middle Eastern restaurant owners?


BR:
Well you know for over a year, I was getting these shots from a certain Doctor Q. I didn't know his name, I didn't know where he was from, I think it was actually my mother who recommended him. God rest her soul, she's no longer here to tell me, but the point is I didn't know they were steroids. By the time I found out, I was shocked. And I would've turned myself in right then and there, but I remember Dr. Q telling me once I’d have to wait an extra day for my shots because he was waiting for a new supply of nutritional supplements from this guy Abu. And that was when I put two and two together.


TV GUY:
You mean because Abu might have been an Arab?


BR:
Truthfully, that never occurred to me. What I was thinking was this whole steroid thing was so secret. And for them to keep all these things secret, they would have to be people who were really good at keeping secrets and making money, plus to pick on professional athletes to do their bidding, they'd have to be just really scummy people. You know what I'm saying Crash?


TV GUY:
Not exactly.


BR:
Well who else fills the description. To me it was plain as the manly nipples on my hyper-developed pectoral muscles, which at the time, were becoming as big as my ass, I don't mind telling you.


TV GUY:
What was plain, Billy Ray?


BR:
Who was giving me steroids. It was obvious. It had to be nuclear terrorists.


TV GUY:
Okay. So what did you do?


BR:
Well Crash, I had a serious moral dilemma. Sure I could've admitted to steroid use, and of course it would've ended my career, but that was really a minor consideration. My big concern was that if I quit then, I would never find out who was behind Dr. Q and Abu and we would never crack open this ring of nuclear terrorist bastards who were threatening our way of life.


TV GUY:
So you decided to go on taking steroids for another five years.


BR:
Exactly. That way, I would have the time to get to know these scumbags better, get them to trust me, and then we could crack their gang wide open.


TV GUY:
And you kept this secret totally to yourself for five seasons while you were breaking home run records and occasionally lifting your teammates’ cars and turning them over in the parking lot.


BR:
You know Crash, it's a small dug-out, I'm a big guy, it's a long season, there can be altercations. Most of the time it was all in fun.


TV GUY:
Like a lit match under a relief pitcher's foot.


BR:
Exactly. The point is I was gathering information.


TV GUY:
And what made you finally decide to open up and tell your story?


BR:
Well Crash, after five years of this, I had my information and honestly I could not face up to Jesus Christ doing what I was doing. I could not live a lie and accept Jesus as my savior.


TV GUY:
And it didn't have anything to do with the fact that you were batting .211 at the time.


BR:
No connection. But lifetime, I'm still .301, buddy boy, so wipe your nose when you talk to me.


TV GUY:
Consider it done. But once you decided to call it quits, what did you do?


BR:
Well, my agent called the White House, I went down there, talked, told them everything I knew about the issue of nuclear non-proliferation, enriched uranium, the need for a pre-emptive nuclear capability, and so forth. And they were very receptive to me coming forward and being a national spokesman for the cause of stopping nuclear terrorism. And they gave me a little booklet to read, I got it somewhere, I don't know where I put it, and the rest, as they say, is Listerene.


TV GUY:
You mean history?


BR:
Yuh, whatever.


TV GUY:
And in the last six months, you have been touring the country with your new book, Only The Lord Should Be Taking Steroids.


BR:
The response has been great, Crash. Just tremendous.


TV GUY:
And at every stop, you have been defending President Bush's policy of building bunker busting nuclear bombs, known as the Robust Nuclear Earth Penetrator. You have also been a cheerleader for the president's withdrawal from the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty so he could pursue the Star Wars missile defense initiative, and his opposition to the Fissile Materials Cutoff Treaty. Even though he is spending less to secure the loose nukes in Russia and around the world, President Bush insists on spending more to build bigger and better nuclear weapons and releasing more nuclear fuel that we have no safe method to dispose of.


BR:
That's right. And I'm proud to stand up for those things. For all of that.


TV GUY:
Really. And why is that?


BR:
Because when God asked me to give up steroids, I knew that there was a reason. And that had to be to expose nuclear terrorists, to expose the scummy, low-rent countries that they get their nuclear materials from, and to support my President who is doing something about it. Because I love this country.


TV GUY:
But if you had a chance to do it over again, what would you do differently?


BR:
Honestly? I would've majored in foreign policy.