Nukes On Ice

PETE:
How you all doing. I’m Pete.


PARK:
Mr. Pete. I bring you warm greetings from President Kim and please convey these warm greetings warmly to the Honorable Secretary of State Dr. Condoleeza Rice.


PETE:
Well, thank you for that, you can call me Petie. And Secretary Rice asks that you call her Condie.


PARK:
Oh yes, of course. Dr. Condie.


PETE:
No, just Condie.


PARK:
Just Condie. Yes. I understand. And please convey our warm greetings to your president, Just Bushie.


PETE:
To President Bush, yes, of course.


PARK:
Just Bushie, yes. President Bushie.


PETE:
Close enough. Is there a reason it's so cold here? There's snow outside. There was never snow on MASH, I don't understand this.


PARK:
It is called winter. They told us you have this too.


PETE:
Winter? No, that's just propaganda. Well, here’s the thing, Park. As you know the United States cannot officially meet with North Korea, but Condie wants you to know that she deeply regrets the situation and she would like to know what the United States needs to do to bring North Korea into the family of nations and away from the evil nuclear weapons path that you have apparently chosen.


PARK:
The Honorable President Kim wishes to tell Just Condie that she can start by not saying evil every time she mentions the name of our nation. We also would like to say that we are so sorry that the United States has chosen the evil nuclear weapons path and we wish that it would join the family of nations, if possible before lunch.


PETE:
Hey Park, we’re here as friends, aren’t we? So why don’t you just get all your nuclear stuff together, stick it in the U-Haul I got parked outside, and then we can chow down with a big old, I don’t know, bowl of rice or something, and forget that this whole thing ever happened?


PARK:
With respect, I will tell you where Just Condie can stick her U-Haul.


PETE:
Okay, I was kind of figuring on that, so I want to talk to you about a new proposal. This is an offer you can’t refuse.


PARK:
You’re going to invade and depose President Kim?


PETE:
No, what, are you kidding? We don’t do that. When do we do that? You crazy guy, forget about that. Not going to happen. No, this is a real opportunity, Park. This is going to make you some serious money. Are you ready? We’re going to shoot a television show right in your country.


PARK:
We will not let you shoot anyone in our country. This is what we told you before.


PETE:
No, a television show. Are you ready for this? CSI: Pyongyang. Your own cop show. In North Korean. Possibly with South Korean sub-titles. We can work that out later.


PARK:
You mean like American CSI? CSI: Brooklyn, CSI: Cleveland.


PETE:
Yes, exactly. You’ve seen the show? You know what it is?


PARK:
Cannot do this in North Korea.


PETE:
No, you don’t mean that. It’s such an outrageous idea. Why not?


PARK:
Three reasons. First, there are no blondes in North Korea. Second, there are no murders in North Korea. We don’t allow it. Third, we do not need blood samples or DNA to know who the evil-doers are. Do you believe me when I tell you this?


PETE:
I kind of do, yuh. But it’s still a triple bummer. Okay, here’s the second idea. You know what Reality TV is?


PARK:
TV with no reality.


PETE:
Yes, exactly. So the United States will produce a reality TV show based on North Korea’s atomic weapons program. It’s called Nucular Survivor.


PARK:
I think it would have to be Nuclear Survivor.


PETE:
No, we can’t call it that. It has to be called Nucular Survivor.


PARK:
Then it is evil. We can’t do it. Goodbye, Just Petie.


PETE:
No wait. Park! Come back! We’ll work it out! We’ll give you the Gary Sinese role!