You're Never Too Young For Paranoia

MERLENE:
Hi, I’m Merlene Olson? Randy’s mom? We had an appointment?

PRINCIPAL:
Have you been fingerprinted?

MERLENE:
Yes.

PRINCIPAL:
Show me your inky finger.

MERLENE:
Does this wash off?

PRINCIPAL:
Is that all you’re concerned with? Is that more important than our national security? Whether the ink will wash off your finger?

MERLENE:
No, I think I got some on your chair.

PRINCIPAL:
Oh God damn to hell. Alright, forget it, forget it, never mind. What’s this about?

MERLENE:
It’s about your Stop a Terrorist Today program? It seems to be causing problems with Randy.

PRINCIPAL:
Problems? Don’t be ridiculous. Best thing we’ve ever done. We got money from Washington for this program. Can you believe that? This school. We never get jack. And this year we got money from Washington.

MERLENE:
So we’ll be able to hire more teachers?

PRINCIPAL:
Well no, we didn’t get enough money for that. But we got enough for a Just Say No to Car Bombs decal on every door. Plus we give a free Stop a Terrorist Today lunchbox to every child who reports three suspicious incidents. And we send your child home with a four-color newsletter every week. Have you been receiving that?

MERLENE:
Yes we have. And I have to tell you these articles are part of what’s been bothering Randy. Look at this one. “There May Be a Fundamentalist in Your Cellar.” What are we supposed to do with that?

PRINCIPAL:
It never hurts to be cautious.

MERLENE:
He's eight years old. And now thinks our washer and dryer has a bad Islamic man inside it.

PRINCIPAL:
Did you check it to make sure?

MERLENE:
No, I didn’t check it. Nobody can fit in there. What are you talking about?

PRINCIPAL:
I just don’t think we can afford to be naive about these things.

MERLENE:
What kind of stories are these for children to be reading? “While You Be Chillin’ They Be Killin’? That isn’t even good English.

PRINCIPAL:
Yes, you’re right, I should never have approved that. Our multi-cultural grant ran out years ago, I don’t know what I was thinking.

MERLENE:
I don’t like him saying “They be killin’” at the dinner table. And why is he looking up his aunts and uncles to see if they’re on the State Department Terrorist List?

PRINCIPAL:
Well were they?

MERLENE:
No they were not. But he didn’t have to look them up and then call all my brothers and sisters to tell them he wasn’t going to arrest them after all. He won't let me use baby powder on his rash because he thinks it might be anthrax.


PRINCIPAL:
Never hurts to be cautious.


MERLENE:
You’re not being cautious with my son. Or with any of the other children. Why is he calling all the non-white children A-rabs? Who taught him that?

PRINCIPAL:
I promise you that was not in any of the hand-outs. It must have slipped out during our Stop Terror in the Sandbox rally.

MERLENE:
Children don’t make these things up.

PRINCIPAL:
Well we have to be cautious. That’s what the War on Terrorism is all about.

MERLENE:
I don’t think you’re being cautious. I think you’re being reckless. He saw his grandmother with a suitcase and he screamed Ka-Boom! at the top of his lungs. Who taught him how to do that?

PRINCIPAL:
Unattended parcels are a serious threat.

MERLENE:
This whole school is unattended. Shouldn’t you be teaching kids about other countries and other cultures so they’re not scared of everybody? Shouldn’t you be telling them it’s okay to be different? Shouldn’t you be teaching them about all the people around the world who are trying to build democracy and peace and justice? Shouldn’t you be bringing these people to the school to talk to the kids? So they would have someone they could look up to?

PRINCIPAL:
Well I guess we could. But do you think Charleton Heston would do it for no money?