Call It Re-Deployment

DONNIE:
Go ahead, read it out loud. Let’s see how it sounds.


RONNIE:
They’re never going to put this to a vote.


DONNIE:
It doesn’t matter. The congressman wants to introduce it. He’ll get a lot of play and that’s what we need. Just read it.


RONNIE:
“United States House of Representatives. H.R. 923. The Only Cowards Use Timetables Act.


DONNIE:
Excellent. Good title.


RONNIE:
This isn’t going to go anywhere.


DONNIE:
It’s going on MSNBC, or I’ll buy you a Quiznos with the frigging chipotle sauce, okay? Just read it.


RONNIE:
To amend the Federal Aviation Act, the Federal Railway Act, the Federal Highway Act, and for other purposes.


DONNIE:
That’s the stupid part, go on.
RONNIIE: Whereas, Christopher Columbus never used a timetable.


DONNIE:
Good.


RONNIE:
Whereas, none of the other great explorers, DeLeon, DeSoto, DeGamma, DeSeglio, none of them ever used a timetable. Who was DeSeglio?


DONNIE:
My uncle. He’ll love hearing his name. He’ll totally get off on this.


RONNIE:
Whereas, the only reason anyone would use a timetable would be if they were afraid to start out from somewhere, afraid of where they were going, or afraid of when they would get there.


DONNIE:
Exactly.


RONNIE:
Whereas, only a stinking coward would be that afraid. Do we have to stay “stinking coward?”


DONNIE:
What do you want to say, Mr. MBA? Only a sub-optimal coward?


RONNIE:
How about “Only a perfect coward.”


DONNIE:
If he’s a coward, he can’t be perfect. He’s an a-hole.


RONNIE:
That’s the point. Perfect means that he’s a coward in every respect. In every way. It establishes the gravity of the accusation.


DONNIE:
No, go with “stinking.”


RONNIE:
Whereas, only a stinking coward would be that afraid. Whereas, real Americans don’t use timetables.


DONNIE:
It was supposed to say real men don’t use timetables.


RONNIE:
I changed it. You got a problem with Americans?


DONNIE:
No.


RONNIE:
So throw me a bone, okay?


DONNIE:
Sure, fine. Go on.


RONNIE:
Whereas, all cowards suck. Donnie, this is the United States House of Representatives. We can’t say all cowards suck.


DONNIE:
What do you want to say, some cowards suck?


RONNIE:
We can’t use that word. Sixty percent of voters still think that suck is a swear word.


DONNIE:
Why?


RONNIE:
Because it’s an obvious sexual reference.


DONNIE:
To what?


RONNIE:
To sucking.


DONNIE:
Well in my family, we use it all the time when we’re talking about.....


RONNIE:
Donnie, we’re not using it. Period.


DONNIE:
Okay, okay. Go on.


RONNIE:
Therefore, the Only Cowards Use Timetables Act provides for the following. Section 1. As long as U.S. forces are engaged in hostile action overseas, no airline, bus company, or steamship line shall be allowed to refer to its schedule as a “timetable.” Section 2. Amtrak, because it has referred to its schedules in the past as timetables, is a cowardly agency that we never liked in the first place, and they are now permanently defunded, with all their assets to be transferred to the Lionel Train Company.


DONNIE:
Good. Is that it?


RONNIE:
That’s it. We’re done. I’m going home.


DONNIE:
You can’t. We got to work on the Falwell bill.


RONNIE:
The Falwell bill? What does he want?


DONNIE:
He wants it to be illegal not to say Merry Christmas when you’re serving a Kosher meal.


RONNIE:
Yuh, that’ll work.