Search and Seizure

VINNIE:
Skip? Your name is Skip?


SKIP:
I showed you ID. Can we please get on with this?


VINNIE:
Nobody at the NSA is named Skip.


SKIP:
We have to work together, so can we just dispense with the attitude please?


VINNIE:
I've worked here for five years. How come I've never seen you?


SKIP:
The public affairs office is in the basement.


VINNIE:
The National Security Agency has a public affairs office? What do you do, hand out decoder rings at the mall?


SKIP:
Vinny, we have to explain the NSA wire taps and email intercepts.


VINNIE:
What's to explain? That's what the NSA does. We're snoops. We snoop on people.


SKIP:
You snoop on American citizens?


VINNIE:
Sure, they're closer.


SKIP:
Why would you think that American citizens were foreign terrorists?


VINNIE:
Look, if I was a foreign terrorist, the first thing I'd do is make friends with an American so I could sleep on his couch, grab a cup of coffee with him in the morning, eat a Twinkie, whatever. Otherwise, the hotel bills alone would put me out of business.


SKIP:
Why were you tapping the phones of Latino Americans with Spanish surnames?


VINNIE:
Very simple to explain. At the beginning, we didn't know it was spelled al-Qaeda. Scooter told us it was El Ciuda, so we figured this has got to be some bunch of Hispanic guys. Who knew.


SKIP:
El Ciuda?


VINNIE:
It was an honest mistake. Get off my dick.


SKIP:
That was the best information you had?


VINNIE:
At the beginning, yes. We started with a long list of names with photos that the Research Department gave us. Everyone in American who had ever ordered falafel. Millions of people. We couldn't tap all their phones. We would've run out of wire. So we had to narrow it down.


SKIP:
By racial profiling?


VINNIE:
Of course not. That would've been illegal. We looked at the pictures and anyone who looked like they didn't like football, we bugged their phone.


SKIP:
So there was a science behind this.


VINNIE:
Absolutely.


SKIP:
Great. And how did you decide which email to read?


VINNIE:
Well, that was different. My first decision was to intercept every email from a Mac. Cause if you're using a Mac, something is funny there, you know what I mean?


SKIP:
Assuming I did, you can't tell what kind of computer the sender is using just from reading his email.


VINNIE:
Oh sure, now we know that. But in the first two and a half years, nobody told us that.


SKIP:
So how did you know which messages to read?


VINNIE:
Truthfully, it wasn't that difficult. First, we looked at everyone with a domain name of terrorist.com, terrorist.net, and scumbag.org.


SKIP:
And that gave you a good list?


VINNIE:
Unfortunately no, there weren't enough names. So we had to expand it to everyone on Yahoo.


SKIP:
Vinny, this was illegal. The whole thing is illegal.


VINNIE:
Wire tapping? No, we do it every day. How could it be illegal.


SKIP:
You can't do it without a court order. They set up a special court just for espionage cases. The FISA court. Why didn't you brinng it to them?


VINNIE:
Hey I'm sorry, okay? We didn't have their number. You try looking up FISA in the phone book. There's nothing there. Damned secret agencies.


SKIP:
We're in serious trouble here, Vinnie. We have to show them guidelines that look like they were within something set up by a court.


VINNIE:
We have guidelines. Do you think we'd still be doing this if we didn't have frigging guidelines?


SKIP:
I'm sorry. I jumped to conclusions.


VINNIE:
Damn straight you did.


SKIP:
I apologize. Please tell me your guidelines for surveillance of anyone suspected of connections to al-Qaeda.


VINNIE:
With pleasure. You writing this down?


SKIP:
Absolutely.


VINNIE:
Guideline One. We tap the phone of anyone whose name begins with Al. You understand why?


SKIP:
It's crystal clear.


VINNIE:
Good. Guideline Two. We read the email of anyone in the United States who doesn't own a microwave.


SKIP:
Regardless of their ethnicity.


VINNIE:
Absolutely. And finally, Guideline Three. We put a bug in the home of anyone who we find reading a book while "American Idol" is on.


SKIP:
Including the reruns?


VINNIE:
This is war, Skip.


SKIP:
I understand. Are you prepared to sign this?


VINNIE:
Absolutely. Whose name do you want me to forge?