Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor

SLICKEWITZ:
The subcommittee will come to order.

FLIPALOT:
Louie, this isn't a subcommittee and you're not a subcommittee chair. We're in the minority and the minority leadership doesn't even know we're meeting.

SLICKEWITZ:
Well screw them. They're the ones who messed up this whole immigration thing and now it's up to the rest of us to bail them out.

WACKER:
Shouldn't we have at least asked permission to have this meeting catered? I seem to remember a memo from the ethics committee about not ordering smoked salmon in bulk.

SLICKEWITZ:
Screw the ethics committee. Screw them all. We eat it, it's gone, they can't prove anything.

FLIPALOT:
But we can't dictate to the minority leadership how to handle the conference committee on the immigration bill.

SLICKEWITZ:
You just told me this morning that we had to take a stand.

FLIPALOT:
No, you're wrong. You are absolutely wrong. I did not tell you that this morning. I told it to you yesterday morning.

SLICKEWITZ:
Our back is against the wall here. The original bill is getting killed by the babes on The View. Anti-family they call it. All of a sudden they're mothers. They wouldn't know a fresh diaper if it hit them in the face.

WACKER:
How would that happen?

FLIPALOT:
Well I don't see why we have to stick our necks out on this one. Whose idea was it to have a points system that only lets people in if they have good skills, intelligence, and the ability to speak English? I told you G.W. Bush would never pass. They should never have let him take that test.

WACKER:
He scored three points.

FLIPALOT:
Out of a possible 600? He couldn't answer the one about who was buried in Grant's Tomb.

WACKER:
He thought it was a trick question.

SLICKEWITZ:
We gave him all the answers in writing. We let him copy the answers onto his test paper. This bill is death. Why would you ever vote for something like this?

FLIPALOT:
Is it my fault I voted for it? What am I, responsible for my own votes now? What idiot said we should let in the most educated people instead of the families of people who are already here?

SLIPOWITZ:
I think that was you, Jeff.

FLIPALOT:
I never said any such thing.

SLIPOWITZ:
Well Wacker here said you did.

WACKER:
No I didn't.

FLIPALOT:
Didn't I tell you to leave that digital recorder in the car?

WACKER:
My car is in Nebraska.

FLIPALOT:
Well that's where your digital recorder should be. But you had to be Mr. Informant. Mr. I'll Just Upload This Recording of Jeff Flipalot To My Web Site So The Press Can Get A Hold Of It.

WACKER:
I thought it was my daughter's commencement speech.

FLIPALOT:
You also thought you weren't an idiot. And you were wrong about that too. Now everybody thinks I'm anti-family. And I am not anti-family.

SLIPEWITZ:
Yuh, keep saying that, Jeff. Try to make 23 years of adultery go away. We got to fix this bill and that means fixing this stupid points system so it gives us the people who ought to be Americans. And that's American with a capital K.

FLIPALOT:
Exactly.

WACKER:
Where's the K in America?
SLIPWEITZ: Wacker, shut up and wait in the car.

WACKER:
My car is in…..

SLIPEWITZ:
Shut up. Write this down. I want to give them 10 points if they regularly drink and drive on their way to church.

WACKER:
Ten points.

SLIPEWITZ:
Exactly.


FLIPALOT:
Give them 20 more points if they can order the enchiladas at Taco Bell in English.

SLIPEWITZ:
In English. Correctimundo.

WACKER:
How about one point if they can add and subtract.

SLIPEWITZ:
No, and shut up. Give them 30 points if they make sure that every one of their teenage kids carries a fake ID that was made in America.


FLIPALOT:
Okay, that adds up to 100 points. So we're done.

SLIPEWITZ:
Almost. We need a sweetener. We have to concede something to the other side. Throw them a bone.

FLIPALOT:
Well I'm not changing my position on the Pledge of Allegiance. It has to be posted above every slot machine in the Border Patrol Detention Center.

SLIPEWITZ:
No, they cut that out of the bill already.


FLIPALOT:
Well then the hell with it. I'm not going to lose any sleep over this thing.

SLIPEWITZ:
Okay, here it is. We allow all Democrats, regardless of where they originally came from, to enroll in the temporary worker program.

FLIPALOT:
I like it.