Rove Speaks

BH:
I'm Brit Hume. We interrupt the Fox News Special Report, which of course is my show, so I'm interrupting myself and it all looks the same to you. But we are interrupting the Fox News Special Report with this breaking story. Karl Rove, Deputy White House Chief of Staff, has agreed to appear on the Fox News Special Report, featuring Brit Hume. That's me. This appearance, which is scheduled to take place at 2:45 PM Eastern Standard Time, is the first ever for Mr. Rove on the Fox News Special Report, featuring Brit Hume, since the alleged leak of allegedly under-cover CIA operative Valerie Plame Wilson Plame, whose marriage to State Department turncoat Joseph Wilson seems entirely too happy and pleasant if you ask me. We don't know yet why Karl Rove has decided to come on the program, we don't know what he is going to say, we don't know yet how he is going to say it. But we do know that it will be some time after 2:45 PM Eastern Standard Time. We did have earlier reports that Karl Rove would be appearing at 2:15 Eastern Standard Time, but those reports have been discredited. To repeat, those reports have been discredited.

(A sudden and brilliant on-screen graphic appears.)

BH:
Now we interrupt this breaking story, which is really getting old, with a Fox News special bulletin, which is entirely different from a Fox News breaking story. We now have the results of an instant Fox News poll speaking directly to what was the breaking story, namely that Karl Rove will be appearing on the Fox News Special Report, featuring Brit Hume. Just last night, we talked to 87 people from coast to coast and asked them this question:

(Yet another brilliant on-screen graphic.)

Do you think that Karl Rove appearing on Fox News Special Report, featuring Brit Hume, is a good thing?

BH:
And now we have tabulated the answers to this Fox News Special Report and we have them for you right now. Right now. Now. We have them right now. And here they are. Now. Right now.

(An on-screen graphic, almost as brilliant as the others.)

BH:
Do you think that Karl Rove appearing on Fox News Special Report, featuring Brit Hume, is a good thing? 54% of respondents said Yes, it is a good thing. 3% said it is not a good thing. And 43% said I don't know. And there you have it. I never in my life thought I would be reporting something that incredible. It is now 2:50 PM Eastern Standard Time and in our studio, as promised, we are now talking to the deputy chief of staff at the White House, Karl Rove. Mr. Rove, welcome to Fox News Special Report.

KR:
Thank you, Brit, it's my pleasure to be here.

BH:
Karl, let's get right to it. You're in the hot seat. You're under the gun. The sword is hanging over your head, Karl. You are being persecuted by the radical fringe, the far left, the liberal media. They are saying in the most bellicose terms imaginable, that you revealed the identity of a covert CIA operative, and in doing so you put her life and other lives in danger, and you broke the law. So now, Karl, the chips are down, the chickens have come home to roost, the entire roost is full of chips, Karl. So I have to ask you this question, and you knew I'd be asking you this question. But I have to ask you this question and all of America wants to know the answer to this question. Why did you decide to appear on Fox News Special Report, featuring Brit Hume?

KR:
I knew you would ask that, Brit, and I'm going to give you a straight answer. I have sworn to protect the security of the United States of America, and I don't play fast and loose with national security. But I have just learned that a new terrorist threat exists that we have to deal with immediately. There is a special House of Representatives election this coming Tuesday in the 89th district of Nebraska and the Democrats candidate, who says he's an Iraq war veteran, has been blatantly and purposefully betraying the security of our nation.

BH:
That's incredible, Karl, that's just incredible. The nerve of this guy. But frankly, we're incredulous, we're shocked. How could a veteran of the Iraq war, who has been fighting for his country, seek to compromise our security?

KR:
Well Brit, he claims to be an Iraq veteran, but he's never proved that. I watch television broadcasts from Iraq two, three, sometimes even four times a week, and I've never seen him on TV. I've talked to with several people who have actually been in Iraq, and they never saw him there.

BH:
Isn't that the damnedest thing? And here he is running around criticizing the administration.

KR:
That's exactly what he's doing, Brit, but he's doing something even worse. We have learned, from classified, top-secret, for your eyes only intelligence reports that he is revealing the secret locations of United States nuclear weapons placements all over the world. He has imbedded this information, in code, in all of his campaign speeches. And if we don't stop him, and keep him from being elected to Congress, our entire national security will be threatened.

BH:
My heavens. The secret locations of all United States nuclear weapons placements all over the world? And is it possible that the terrorists now know where these placements are, directly as a result of this phony veteran Democrats candidate in Nebraska?

KR:
Yes, Brit, our top secret intelligence briefings are telling us that the terrorists now know where our missiles are, directly as a result of this treasonous act.

BH:
But Karl, gee whiz, if they know the locations of all our missile placements, what do we do?

KR:
Well, we're just going to have to move them all. Which is a complete pain in the butt, let me tell you. But what choice do we have?

BH:
We don't have any choice, Karl, I think it's obvious. But I have to ask you the question that every family who's been in this kind of situation would ask. What will you do if the movers don't show up on time?

KR:
Brit, I have to apologize. I'm being told in my earpiece that we have an emergency situation in the White House.

BH:
Good grief, what is it now?

KR:
I can't tell you everything, Brit, but it seems the shape of the Oval Office appears to be changing. And we just can't allow that, Brit.

BH:
No sir. Cannot let that happen.

KR:
Well it is happening, obviously as a result of all this environmental regulation we've had stuffed down our throats. Brit, it's been a pleasure.

BH:
Thank you, Karl. That was Karl Rove, deputy chief of staff at the White House, here with you on the Fox News Special Report, featuring Brit Hume. I'm now being told we have a new breaking story. We have the results of a new Fox News instant poll. Here's the question:

The recent appearance of Karl Rove on the Fox News Special Report featuring Brit Hume. Was it an absolutely great, fabulous thing or was it just a really good thing?

BH:
And now, here are the results.