Who's the Activist Now?

CRATER:
Main Street Baptist.

SS:
Is this Pastor Pete Crater?

CRATER:
Yes sir.

SS:
Pastor Pete, how are you. Steve Stackhouse, Republican National Committee. Praise God, Hillary Clinton is a whore, praise God.

CRATER:
Hillary Clinton is a whore, praise God. Can my son pray in school yet Steve? Or are all of you too busy drinking your lattés up there? What the devil are you doing with all the money we gave you?

SS:
We're working on it just as hard as we can, Pastor Pete. And in fact that's part of the reason why I'm calling.

CRATER:
What's the rest of the reason?

SS:
Well, let's take this one reason at a time. You know we absolutely got to get our man John Roberts confirmed for the Supreme Court. You know how important that is, don't you?

CRATER:
I thought you said he was a shoe-in.

SS:
He should be a shoe-in, Pastor Pete, he surely should be a shoe-in. But these Godless Democrats and homosexuals are working daytime and nighttime telling lies about Judge Roberts and fornicating all at the same time.

CRATER:
Isn't that terrible.

SS:
It is terrible, Pastor Pete. You'd think that when they pulled their pants down, they'd take a break from telling lies, but they don't, they keep right on doing it. And the worst of it is that all it's going to take is one of them bunch finding one piece of paper Judge Roberts wrote from 25 years ago with a little smudge on it. And then these so-called moderate Republicans who would buy fake dandruff if they thought it would make their hairpieces look better will vote against us. And all it takes is six of them in the Senate and we're down for the count.

CRATER:
Isn't that an abomination.

SS:
It surely is, Pastor Pete. And that's why I need your help. You need to get your congregants writing letters and making calls to all their state and local officials and holding educational forums and making everybody stand up and say that Judge Roberts is a fine man and that he needs to be confirmed pronto.

CRATER:
Well you don't have to ask us twice, Steve, you know that. I got my hand on my other phone and my pencil in my mouth already.

SS:
Thank you, Pastor Pete, thank you, I knew we could count on you.

CRATER:
We're going to call every newspaper and every radio station from here to the water's edge and tell them that Judge John Roberts is going to take prayer out of the casinos and put it back in the public schools where it belongs.

SS:
No, Pastor Pete, you can't exactly.....

CRATER:
We're going to tell them that Judge Roberts is going to wipe out that stupid military assault rifle ban once and for all.

SS:
No, he can't exactly do that right away....

CRATER:
We're going to tell everybody that Judge Roberts is anti-abortion, anti-birth control, anti-homosexual, and anti-immigrant and he's not going to stand for any of those things no sir no way.

SS:
Pastor Pete, you can't say any of that.

CRATER:
Why not?

SS:
Because it would be prejudicial. He's a judge. He can't say how he's going to rule on something until after he's heard the case.

CRATER:
Then what are we busting our hump putting him in there for?

SS:
Because he's a conservative, Pastor Pete. He worked for Reagan, he worked for Bush I. He's a Christian.

CRATER:
Well that doesn't mean what it used to.

SS:
We know Roberts is going to vote our way. But he just can't announce that ahead of time. And we can't say that he's promised us anything. It would be prejudicial.

CRATER:
Prejudicial is exactly what we want, Steve. If I can't tell my congregants any of the good stuff, what am I going to tell people?

SS:
Tell them he's a fine man, he has a nice family, he plays golf well.

CRATER:
Golf? Our people hate people who play golf. Golf is the devil.

SS:
No it isn't, Pastor Pete....

CRATER:
Lots of snooty, elitist people on their second or third marriages with too much money and time on their hands thumbing their noses at the rest of us, drinking their alcohol in their country clubs on Sunday morning instead of going to church with their families. Encouraging women to play golf with each other. You know what that leads to, Steve. I don't have to tell you that.

SS:
Alright, forget golf. Don't say anything about golf. Tell them he's a great lawyer.

CRATER:
A great lawyer? Our people hate lawyers. We just got through telling them about all these trial lawyers chasing ambulances and making their medical bills and insurance go sky high.

SS:
That's their lawyers. He's one of our lawyers.

CRATER:
It doesn't matter, Steve. Once they know how to sue, they just keep suing, and they'll do it for the highest bidder. Which isn't our people, let me tell you.

SS:
Then don't say anything about him being a lawyer. Just say he's been a great judge.

CRATER:
There's no such animal. We hate judges. You told us to hate judges. Are you tone deaf? Weren't you there at Justice Sunday and Justice Sunday II and Justice Sunday III?

SS:
We told you to hate activist judges. Not all judges.

CRATER:
Oh for the love of....What's an activist judge?

SS:
Someone who's already made up his mind before he hears the case. Someone who has an agenda for changing the law.

CRATER:
Well that's exactly the kind of man we want.

SS:
No, Pastor Pete, you can't say that.

CRATER:
Then what are we supposed to tell people?

SS:
Just tell them he's well qualified.

CRATER:
How do you know he's well qualified?

SS:
He graduated from Harvard.

CRATER:
Alright, that's it. We're opposing him. We're going to call up everybody and tell them we're opposing John Roberts. Roberts gets confirmed over my dead body. End of discussion.

SS:
Pastor Pete....

CRATER:
Hillary's a whore, praise the lord. Goodbye!

SS:
No, Pastor Pete! Wait a...PASTOR PETE!