Supreme Court Goes Native

TONY:
Hello Sandy? Tony.

SANDY:
How did you get this number?

TONY:
You know me. It's Tony.

SANDY:
Is this Tony?

TONY:
Yes. It's Tony.

SANDY:
Tony my personal trainer?

TONY:
Justice Tony.

SANDY:
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. I didn't think you sounded like Tony.

TONY:
It is Tony.

SANDY:
I mean my trainer Tony. My Tony.

TONY:
Is he any good?

SANDY:
I don't think that's any of your business, Mr. Justice. What is this about?

TONY:
I apologize. I'm sorry. Is this a bad time?

SANDY:
Well I just came in from tennis.

TONY:
You mean you're all sweaty?

SANDY:
No, Tony. I didn't say I was all sweaty. I meant that I was focused on tennis. Now I have to re-focus on the law. That's all I meant.

TONY:
Okay. Fine. I need to talk to you about the thug case.

SANDY:
What thug case?

TONY:
Padilla, Gorilla, whatever his name is. The terrorist.

SANDY:
Yes, yes. What about him?

TONY:
Well we need you to be part of the majority on this one, Sandy. Souter is a nightmare, I caught him eating organic last week, he's hopeless. We need you on the team. You know those little drippy cases where you deliberately vote against us to show you're not a Republican?

SANDY:
I have no idea what you're talking about.

TONY:
Yuh, sure. Well this isn't one of those cases. We really need you on this one.

SANDY:
Well, I'm undecided. I haven't had a chance to review the oral arguments yet.

TONY:
Sandy, Sandy, Sandy, that's a total waste of time. Who listens to lawyers? This thug is a thug. He was importing dirty bombs.

SANDY:
And he didn't have a license for that?

TONY:
For dirty bombs? We don't give out licenses for that. You can kill people with those things.

SANDY:
That's terrible.

TONY:
It is terrible. If we can't detain him, who can we detain?

SANDY:
Well, generally, I like detaining. I think detaining is a good thing.

TONY:
Good. So you'll vote with us.

SANDY:
Well perhaps, but before I say anything else, Tony, can I ask you one thing?

TONY:
What's that?

SANDY:
Do you mind if I drink iced tea while we talk?

TONY:
Iced tea?

SANDY:
It's perfectly chilled, and if I don't drink it now, it will have to be thrown out, which I hate to do.

TONY:
Fine, go ahead and drink the iced tea. Let me explain why we need you on this.

SANDY:
Some people are bothered by the sipping sound.

TONY:
I don't give a damn about the sipping sound.

SANDY:
Mr. Justice.

TONY:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Sandy. I lost it. I apologize.

SANDY:
So you don't mind if I drink the iced tea?

TONY:
I don't mind.

SANDY:
I would of course offer you a glass if you were here.

TONY:
I'm sure.

SANDY:
But you're not here.

TONY:
Indeed I am not.

SANDY:
So I can't.

TONY:
No, you can't. But to return to the point Sandy? The guy is a thug and we can't just let him go.

SANDY:
Well I certainly understand that. But these lawyers are making all these arguments about Habeus Corpus and equal treatment under the law and due process and I must say I don't have any counter to that.

TONY:
Sandy, we're at war. We can't take the time to have these people arraigned and indicted and held over for trial. What if they were found not guilty? Then where would we be? This is a war.

SANDY:
Well then why isn't he a prisoner of war?

TONY:
He can't possibly be a prisoner of war because he wasn't part of anybody's army. He wasn't wearing a uniform. He's an enemy combatant. He isn't a soldier, he's just a, excuse me Sandy, he's just a bastard.

SANDY:
Excuse me?

TONY:
I apologize. But you have to support the administration on this one, Sandy. We're in a war. It's a war out there.

SANDY:
Oh I know. The gasoline prices are ridiculous.

TONY:
Exactly. So can we count on you on this one?

SANDY:
Oh I'm sorry, it's Tony at the door.

TONY:
I'm Tony.

SANDY:
No, I mean my Tony. Hello, Tony.

TONY:
I'm Tony.

SANDY:
Yes, I'm sure you are. Goodbye.