Neo-Con Neo-Con

BILL:
Mr. Bearowitz?

SAUL:
What?

BILL:
Are you Mr. Bearowitz?

SAUL:
Yes. Yes, absolutely. That is my name.

BILL:
Please come in. I'm Bill Riccio.

SAUL:
My pleasure. Interesting name. From that name, you must be from Azerbijan.

BILL:
Staten Island.

SAUL:
Yes, of course.

BILL:
Please have a seat. Coffee?

SAUL:
Turkish?

BILL:
No. Staten Island.

SAUL:
You don't have Turkish coffee?

BILL:
Only Chock Full of Nuts, I'm sorry.

SAUL:
That's okay. I have worked in the toughest conditions on the face of the earth and I have always gotten the job done.

BILL:
I'm sure. So. Your name is actually Saul Bearowitz?

SAUL:
Yes. That is now my name and always has been.

BILL:
You look a lot that that other guy...

SAUL:
That's somebody else. That's not me.

BILL:
I see. Well, you've got a very impressive resume. President of the World Bank. Deputy Secretary of Defense. You have all this amazing D.C. experience. Why did you decide to come to work in New York?

SAUL:
Well, I sort of had to leave Washington in a hurry. It's kind of hard to explain.

BILL:
You wanted to spend more time with your family.

SAUL:
Exactly. That's exactly it.

BILL:
So tell me why you want to be the commissioner of the Parking Violations Bureau.

SAUL:
Well I think it's obvious that in New York City's enforcement efforts, up to this point, we have been compromising with evil, trading away democracy, and making deals with criminals instead of bringing them to justice.

BILL:
Really. So what do you think we should be doing when people park their cars illegally.

SAUL:
Blow them up.

BILL:
Blow up the drivers?

SAUL:
No, there are legal problems with that. But we should be blowing up their cars.

BILL:
You mean exploding their cars, destroying them.

SAUL:
Exactly. Anything short of that and you're coddling criminals, giving them license to commit crimes all over again. Destroy their car and they get the message. The City blows up your car on Tuesday, you're not going to be parking illegally on Wednesday, you follow me?

BILL:
I believe so, yes. But how would other New Yorkers feel about our parking enforcement agents creating fireballs out of vehicles all over town?

SAUL:
The people will throw flowers at us.

BILL:
Really.

SAUL:
Absolutely. Destroying an illegally parked car is a blow for freedom.

BILL:
Don't you think it might be helpful if we tried to figure out why people are parking this way so we can properly discourage it?

SAUL:
No. What are you, nuts? Everybody knows where illegal parking comes from.

BILL:
And where is that?

SAUL:
The Middle East. Obviously.

BILL:
The Middle East.

SAUL:
Of course. Tyrants in the Middle East know that if they clog our cities with enough illegally parked cars, our economy will sputter and die. And Americans will lose hope and give up. That's why we have to treat all illegal parkers as enemy combatants.

BILL:
Enemy combatants. You mean they shouldn't have any rights?

SAUL:
Rights? Why should they have rights? Did they give those rights to us? Did they respect the American justice system when they rammed their Mazda up the backside of a helpless fire hydrant? No, they most certainly did not. They have forfeited their freedom, and as far as I'm concerned, the Geneva Convention does not apply to them.

BILL:
I see. Well thank you for coming in today.

SAUL:
So how much are you offering me to take this?

BILL:
How much? We'll get back to you.

SAUL:
Hey, I'm sitting here now. I have to ask some very penetrating questions before I'm even willing to consider working here.

BILL:
Well I don't have time for a lot of...

SAUL:
I'm a simple man, I'll come right to the point. Are there women here under the age of 45 who go to the gym regularly?

BILL:
Yuh, I suppose.....

SAUL:
And are they high ranking in the agency with advanced degrees and come from wealthy families?

BILL:
Honestly, I don't think so.

SAUL:
I see. So in your opinion, I would be better off going to L.A.?